Husband has been secretly wearing a chastity cage for months to lower his libido for me

I don’t even know where to begin or how I got to this point. This will be long. Throwaway. Main account is followed by family.

A little about us….I (34F) have been with my husband (36M) for 8 years. He’s a kind, loving man. He’s always been good to me. He’s a hard worker and I’ve always felt respected and appreciated by him. We’ve had one serious fight in our relationship (related to career choices and moving across country) but we were able to communicate, come to an agreement, and move on.

We had our first child roughly 1 ½ years ago. I won’t list every tiny detail about how the pregnancy affected me….but I’ll just say pregnancy doesn’t suit me. We’re an active couple. I don’t sit still well. My husband has often told me I don’t know how to relax. It wasn’t a problem early in the pregnancy but later on it became a problem for me. I coped with food. I gained weight. I became depressed.

After having the baby my mental health plummeted. I was diagnosed with PPD. The worst “symptom” I had were severe mood swings. Rage one moment, hopelessness the next. Activities that my husband I used to love doing together also didn’t sound appealing at all….especially sex.

Before I got pregnant we were having sex 4 to 5 times a week. We had perfectly matched sex drives. We enjoyed each other’s kinks. We happily flaunted our affection everywhere we went. Half way through the pregnancy my libido pretty much disappeared.

Since giving birth, we’ve been intimate a small handful of times. The times we have been was because I felt like a shitty wife and partner. My husband, the sweet man he is, was extremely patient and understanding. Never complained once.

I was prescribed celexa for my PPD about 6 months after giving birth (baby’s health was closely monitored during breastfeeding….everything was good). Everything in life started to turn around. I enjoyed being a mother. I was eager to get back to work. I had energy again. I hit the gym and lost all the baby weight…..the only thing that didn’t come back was my libido. It got even worse. Before starting it I didn’t mind helping my husband here and there with a blowjob. It didn’t turn me on but it also didn’t bother me. But shortly after starting the treatment the thought of anything sexual was repulsive to me.

My husband was patient and we tried to rekindle the “spark”. Lots of sensual massages and non-sexual focused types of affection….nothing worked. Eventually he’d try and initiate and I’d reject as kindly as possible (and feel terrible for it). Soon, this took a toll on him and slowly he stopped showing me physical affection pretty much all together. There was a 9 month span where we did little outside of cuddling. I wanted to want him, I wanted to want to do all the crazy shit we did before, I wanted to get wet again….but we fell into a routine and became a dead bedroom (don’t refer me to that depressing sub please).

Around the middle of February I began seriously worrying about my relationship. I’d always told myself things would get better but my husband started feeling extremely distant. I decided to get off the meds. I was in a good place mentally and felt I could quit taking it…..and, thankfully, I was right. I quit taking them the second week of February. I did not tell husband. As of now I feel no change, my spirits are good and, most of all… libido has come back!

Yesterday I decided I was going to surprise hubby when he got home from work and jump his bones as soon as he walked in the door. This was something we’d do to each other regularly pre-baby. I got baby down for a nap and waited. He got home and when he gave me his usual hug and a kiss I pulled him close to my ear and whispered that I’d been thinking about him a lot that day. I grabbed for his crotch over his pants, felt something hard and he instantly back away. It didn’t feel like a hard on….I can’t describe it but I knew it wasn’t that. He’s decently sized down there and this felt smaller. I asked what it was and he said he didn’t know what I was talking about. He told me to let him use the bathroom and we can continue this.

I wasn’t buying it. I could see by his pants he wasn’t erect. He said he had something in his pockets….i said okay so empty them. He did. I felt again. He tried to back away but the door was closed behind him and he couldn’t back any further. I got a handful of something hard again. I told him to show me what was in his pants. He asked me to please let him go to the bathroom first…I said show me right now. He didn’t say anything…..he unzipped his fly, lowered his underwear and showed that he was wearing a chastity cage. I’ve seen them in sex shops and porn….but never in person.

I just stood in shock. I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to say. It was probably a minute of silence. He zipped up his pants and I asked him how long he’s been wearing it. He went on to explain he’s been wearing it for the past 3 months everyday he leaves the house. When he gets home and we’re together, he takes it off. He puts in on in the mornings in the bathroom at his work. I’m usually home after him so he takes it off before I get there and hides it under our bathroom sink. I never had any clue. He said that he’d begun watching porn on his lunch breaks and jerking off in his car (his phone history confirmed this started about 4 months ago and lasted a month). He said he was so horny all the time he’d get erections at work regularly and couldn’t focus on anything. He said the cage helps him stay focused and take his mind off sex. He got the idea from somewhere online when he researched how to decrease/lower your sex drive. He said there were times he wanted to feel desired and wanted again and he felt the urge to cheat and the cage helped keep him “grounded and faithful”.

We have completely shared plans and phones so I know he isn’t cheating. He’s always been hypersexual….but so was I so it was never a problem. So basically my husband was researching ways to kill his fucking sex drive to accommodate my sex drive. I felt like shit. For those of you about to call him the devil for the urge to cheat…that’s fine. Just know I don’t resent him for that. If the tables were turned and he’d been rejecting my advances for the past year I’d be feeling the same way. When I say I’ve shown him little to no sexual attention for almost a year, I mean that very literally.

Needless to say the mood was killed. He went into the bathroom, took the cage off and put it away. I'm off today. He went to work this morning and didn’t put the cage on…but I get the feeling he wanted to. Part of me is actually open to “chastity play”. I’ve been reading about it and it sounds fun. Hubby has always been on the sub side (but dominant when I want him to be). I can’t shake this feeling like I’ve completely failed as a partner. I drove my partner to the point of locking his dick up to control his sexual desires that I’ve been denying. And, he did it all without me knowing so he wouldn’t upset me. When I asked him how long he intended to keep wearing it he said he didn’t know. Yes, I know he did it himself and but I can’t help but feel partly to blame. He's been quiet since everything went down.

I can’t talk about this shit with family or friends. So if an internet stranger out there has any advice/insight on how to handle this….im all ears. Sorry if I'm all over the place.

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There are some wives who lash out at their husbands, and get resentful. There are some wives who completely dismiss their husband’s needs. There are some wives who say they care but never put in any effort to get treatment or solve the issues at hand.

But unlike any of them, you actually saw the problem, you cared about your husband’s needs, you solved the problem, and you didn’t take him for granted.

I don’t know how much better you could do, unless there’s more you’re leaving out.

Just keep being compassionate, and not taking him for granted. You’re not supposed to be perfect, you’re supposed to care enough about him to solve relationship problems.

I TOTALLY get why you can’t and won’t talk to anyone IRL about this. Its so peronal and intimate and sometimes those things can be too private for your friends and family and almost feel inappropriate to discuss. Plus you can’t unsay it so they’ll always remember it. Honestly, internet strangers is totally the way to go for this kinda thing.

As already commented, I think the hard part is over and now you’re both ready to get back on the horse! Yay! You’re not shitty because this was beyond your control and you actively worked to fix it (and it sounds like you did it!), and your husband handled this rough sexual patch in an awesome and creative way. Good for you both! Now get to fuckin’, lol


It’s like the gift of the magi. He’s worried about disrespecting you, you’re worried about neglecting him. You should tell him how you’re feeling and then you two should just embrace each other and celebrate how thoughtful you are as couple.


I think you should try to use some sex toys that can adjust the atmosphere between you.


You’re not a terrible wife at all! You were having mental health issues, got the help you needed, and those pills do kill your libido. He sounds like a great man, and I think you two can definitely get that fire going again. Jump his bones when he gets home today,


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